Thursday, October 27, 2016

My Chameleon Identity: Part of Being Borderline

     I am a shy person. I spent a lot of my time in school avoiding talkative people and the spotlight. I was never moody the way I am now. Which is quite normal for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. My identity issues began around the time I was sixteen. It's normal for teenagers to try different things, they go through "phases" trying to fit in with certain cliques or groups. I started out the same way.
     Whenever I played basketball with the more popular girls in school, I started wearing everything Aeropostale, just like them. I began to copy how they talked and acted. Shortly after the season ended, I stopped doing that. Then I was influenced by the show "Project Runway" to adopt a Californian accent and trying to dress fashionably. And I refused to shop anywhere but Macy's. Things changed again whenever I got a job at Subway when I was seventeen. I dressed lazily- I cursed more, picked up the lingo and talked with a copied smoker's rasp.
     These are just a few examples. Depending who I was around, I would self-impose a slight lisp or a country accent. My behavior, my likes, my morals and my worldview changed often. I could never just be myself because I did not know who I was. I still do not know who I am.
     Not everyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder experiences this myriad of frustrating identity issues. On the other hand, many people without meeting the diagnosis may experience this. BPD is a complex condition and I by no means want to misguide you into making sweeping generalizations.
     For me, my identity changes nearly every few days. I become very frustrated and broke trying to keep up with my extreme changes in taste. To cope, Pinterest has been both a blessing and a curse. I can indulge in extreme highs about something I suddenly like. For example, recently I went to a Cabela's and was inspired into becoming a farmer and a hunter. I sent emails out to every person I thought knew someone who wanted a farmhand. I bought a camo t-shirt and gazed longingly at fishing poles. I walked differently. I slowed down my pace and walked in boots. I decided that I needed cowboy boots. I drank a lot of Bud Light and smoked cigarettes. I listened to only country music. I planned to get a truck. And on Pinterest I pinned everything I could find about hunting.
     After all of this immersion, my obsession died after about two weeks. I simply did not care anymore. I walked differently. Talked differently. Stopped going on about rants about how no one cares where their meat comes from. I took my camo shirt back. Again, I was lost about who I was. In fact, I began blogging because I was inspired by other mental health bloggers. This started as an imitation. Hopefully, this experience will help lead me to who I am, and to those who came sympathize, may you find yourself too.

A progression over a period of two-three months of how quickly my outward experience changed in the summer of 2015. 

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