Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Letter I Sent to My Father

Below is the letter I sent to my father shortly after I learned that I and my siblings had been abused. It may sound strange to say that I did not know that I had been. However, as a child who trusts their parents to never hurt them, I was always in denial of what was happening.
I wrote this letter when I was eighteen and living with my boyfriend's parents. He stopped talking to me altogether after this was sent:

How could you try and outright LIE to me that James is my half brother?
What father says that his daughter just wants to move in with her mother to "give mother-daughter action to the guy she lives with"?
A perverted one.
You are a liar. To me, you THE liar. You wanted to HURT me.
Guess what? It didn't. You didn't hurt me. You'll never hurt me. And I am not afraid of you or Jean.
How could you allow Jean to call me trash? Are you fucking kidding me? Allow her to call me a whore and say that I dress like a SKANK? Are you serious? Tell me what sense this makes: "You dress like a skank." No, I clearly don't, I never wear shorts and never show my arms or stomach or cleavage...I wear hoodies every day. "Oh, but you wish you could." ...What the fuck? Is she insane?
The only thing I regret is respecting you and trusting you. I should have stood up to you more and not allowed Jean to bully me or my siblings.
You took the opinion of a complete stranger- Lynsey- over your own daughter's...  You did nothing to help me emotionally, you interrogated me over and over until I finally lied and said the twisted things Lynsey had said were true.
Do you KNOW how many times I held a gun to my head while you guys were away? You and Jean tried so hard to make me feel terrible. And guess what? I was stupid enough to listen and it did make me feel terrible. Mission accomplished guys! Great job. It even had lasting effects: sent me to a mental hospital (heart) It fucked with everyone else to, why do you think Dan's suffering from depression for so long?
You're nothing more than a liar. And Jean is a pervert. I often wonder if she was ever molested. You are both perverts. And god help Corinne, Jordan and Ella.
Do you not see that your children come first? Tell that to Jean a few times, maybe she'll get off her laptop and actually spend time with her children.
Those three little girls- they're goddamn beautiful. And you better fucking tell them that every day. You better tell them every morning and night that you love them. You better fucking tuck them in, stroke their hair and smile. No matter what happened that day, you always fucking tuck them in at night.
Your children come first, because even though you fucked up, they're your only chance of doing something great with your life. Don't you EVER allow Jean to hit them again. Were you not there when she hit a seven-year-old, A SEVEN YEAR OLD- slapping her in the face in ANGER? Over and over asking her Baby Girl "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE" That's fucking psychotic. I regret so much not going in there and holding Jean back. ...Punishments are like constructive criticism. You do not punish because you are angry or if you have a chip on your shoulder.
Don't you see?
Those baby girls and your son James... Take each one of those girls-separately- on a daddy-daughter date. PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. Listen to them, and shut your mouth. See them as a person discovering who they are. You cannot change who they are, you never will. Your job is to nurture them to help them become who they are.
Do not punish them like you did me. Do not drown them out. Give them the affection I desperately looked for in other men. Give them securities. Give them patience and drown them in love. Drown them in hugs and kisses. Do not pry into their lives, but offer to listen to them if they need someone to talk to.
Do not make the same mistakes that you made with Drew, Daniel and me. The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result.
You lost this daughter.
You lost me.
To me, you are the liar.
Be a father to those girls. Make Jean be a mother to those girls. Be parents. That's all you have to do. And you won't lose them like you have lost me.
Love those girls. For god's sake, when's the last time you told them how much they meant to you?
Quit being so prideful and pretentious. Quit being so perverted, racist and ignorant. Something has to change in you and Jean. Something has to give if you're going to be good parents.
You better be a good father to those girls, and if you aren't- if you don't change and make THEM your number one priority, not yourself- I swear that I am taking them away. When they are at the age of consent, I will offer my home to them. No matter where they are in the world- it doesn't matter. I will nurture them into becoming the beautiful, precious people that they are. And if you are good parents, if they feel loved with you two and secure where they are, then they won't feel the need to come be with me.
Don't you DARE make them feel indebted to you.
And Jean, she needs to get evaluated. The more I think about her, the more I believe she has a serious mood disorder. She uses everyone as a scapegoat. She needs help.
You life is the result of YOUR decisions and YOUR actions. Everything that happens to you, including this letter I'm writing, is a result of your actions. If any part of you cares or is intelligent enough, you will realize that you both need to change to secure the raising of healthy, secure children.
Be a father. Be the father you always wanted. Be the father your children NEED.
This conversation is between you and me, I won't tell anyone. I respect your privacy. Please think and stop being in denial. Be a good father, please. For the sake of your children.

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